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Public school twat making crap gangster film
Posted 5 hours 15 minutes ago
A FORMER public schoolboy is making a terrible East End gangster movie, he has announced.

 

Mum feels pre-emptively guilty about lie-in
Posted 5 hours 16 minutes ago
A MUM-OF-THREE has spent the night before a planned lie in apologising to her loved ones for being 'self indulgent', sources have confirmed.

 

Show really gets going in season two, says friend who assumes you’re fine to sit through ten hours of shit
Posted 1 day 1 hour 39 minutes ago
A TV show is worth persevering with because it improves after just ten hours, according to a friend who assumes you have nothing better to do.

 

Jacob Rees-Mogg preparing for World War Two
Posted 1 day 2 hours 11 minutes ago
TORY MP Jacob Rees-Mogg believes that despite the prime minister’s attempts to appease Germany, Britain is once again on the verge of World War Two.

 

My week whited-up as an angry, middle-aged man
Posted 1 day 3 hours 7 minutes ago
Why I, an Afro-Caribbean woman, decided to put on latex, a fatsuit, ironed bootcut M&S jeans and a crisp blue shirt to find out the truth about life among the whites.

 

Reciprocal gift-giving ‘a lifelong contract from which there is no escape’
Posted 1 day 4 hours 10 minutes ago
THE giving and receiving of gifts between women is a contract that can never be broken no matter how much each party yearns for escape.

 

Crime cool again
Posted 1 day 4 hours 56 minutes ago
CRIME has come back into fashion in Britain, with criminals regarded as stylish and desirable role models by young people.

 

It’s not our fault they don’t take black kids at Eton, says Oxford
Posted 1 day 5 hours 43 minutes ago
OXFORD University has defended its admissions policy by saying it is powerless to take black students when they have not been educated at Eton.

 

Nightclubs to trial ‘old bastards’ nights
Posted 2 days 1 hour 18 minutes ago
NIGHTCLUBS across Britain are to trial ‘old bastards' nights where the music won't be quite as loud and everyone can leave by half one without being made to feel bad about it.

 

Ask Holly: He remains a blatant ginger
Posted 2 days 1 hour 40 minutes ago
This is a big step for me: betrothing myself to a person who, in some lights, resembles a furry baked bean.

 

Theresa May emails EU citizens with chores rota
Posted 2 days 2 hours 4 minutes ago
THE prime minister has emailed 100,000 EU citizens in the UK telling them they can remain in our country if they pitch in with chores.

 

Everyone who reviewed product online was talking bollocks
Posted 2 days 2 hours 51 minutes ago
NONE of the 37 people who reviewed a laptop online had the first idea what they were talking about, a man has discovered.

 

Cat gets disappointing reception at house where he used to live
Posted 2 days 3 hours 38 minutes ago
A CAT visited the house where he used to live only to be met with hostility.

 

Cash machine expects pat on the back for not charging you
Posted 2 days 5 hours 29 minutes ago
A CITY centre cash machine is expecting gratitude and thanks for not charging users £1.50 a time to take out their own money.

 

Britain gets up, opens curtains to pitch blackness, and knows summer was just a dream
Posted 2 days 6 hours 16 minutes ago
THE UK has awoken, opened the curtains to windows that are nothing but rectangles of darkness, and realised that summer was just a silly dream.

 

Puppy going to f**k you up
Posted 3 days 2 hours 47 minutes ago
A NEW puppy is absolutely not play-fighting, it has been revealed.

 

Man’s mates confused by claim he has married his ‘best friend’
Posted 3 days 3 hours 16 minutes ago
A MAN’S actual mates have been left confused after he said his new wife is his best friend.  

 

Ed Sheeran’s arm breaks itself
Posted 3 days 3 hours 46 minutes ago
ED SHEERAN'S right arm has broken itself in a desperate attempt to save the world from his music.

 

Children ‘cancel out’ effects of alcohol
Posted 3 days 4 hours 31 minutes ago
BEING around children makes you feel less drunk, it has been confirmed.

 

Britain secures trade deal with mysterious country no-one’s heard of
Posted 3 days 5 hours 35 minutes ago
TRADE secretary Liam Fox has negotiated a superb trade deal with the previously unknown country of Mungotania, he has claimed.

 

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