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Parents only have third child in case first two are rubbish
Posted 7 hours 49 minutes ago
PARENTS only have a third baby in case the first two turn out to be dicks, it has been confirmed.

 

How to build your baby bullshit bunker
Posted 11 hours 40 minutes ago
THE Daily Mash presents a step-by-step guide to hiding out until the madness has passed.

 

‘Russians hacked my course work,’ claims A-Level student
Posted 12 hours 25 minutes ago
AN A-Level student has claimed his coursework has been hacked by Russians and turned into a paltry mess of ill thought out ideas.

 

Woman congratulates herself for thinking about donating blood
Posted 14 hours 14 minutes ago
A WOMAN has praised herself after considering the possibility of donating blood.

 

Royal baby born on St George’s Day to be England’s saviour, if it’s a boy
Posted 15 hours 1 minute ago
THE new Royal baby born on St George’s Day will be possessed with the spirit of King Arthur and is fated to save England, unless it turns out to be a girl.

 

Wenger agrees to leave Arsenal in 2005
Posted 16 hours 22 minutes ago
ARSENAL has confirmed Arsene Wenger will officially leave the club 13 years ago.

 

Are you fretting enough about your children in a ridiculous middle-class way?
Posted 16 hours 39 minutes ago
ARE you unable to sleep for worrying that your four-year-old might not get into the LSE? You may be suffering from middle-class fretting. Take our quiz and find out.

 

Dreadful couple referring to ‘their’ butcher
Posted 1 day 15 hours 33 minutes ago
A MIDDLE-CLASS couple have informed you that they got the lamb for tonight’s dinner from ‘their’ butcher.

 

Man accepts that wife losing favourite top is his fault 
Posted 2 days 16 hours 36 minutes ago
A HUSBAND has accepted full blame for his wife losing her favourite top, he has confirmed.

 

Child wondering how shit a drawing has to be to stay off the fridge
Posted 2 days 16 hours 37 minutes ago
A THREE-YEAR-OLD is wondering how poor her artwork has to be for her parents not to display it on the fridge.

 

Not all of UK is enjoying a heatwave, says Scotland yet again
Posted 3 days 12 hours 34 minutes ago
PEOPLE who live in Scotland have stressed, once again, that the UK is experiencing a partial heatwave.

 

Man thought bank was his friend
Posted 3 days 12 hours 42 minutes ago
A MAN’S bank that was incredibly welcoming and friendly has suddenly turned nasty over the relatively trivial matter of a £15,000 loan.  

 

Man can’t help putting on weird accent when he talks to workmen
Posted 3 days 14 hours 57 minutes ago
A MIDDLE-CLASS man cannot prevent himself putting on a strange working-class accent when he meets people who do physical work.  

 

Stoner to miss official cannabis day
Posted 3 days 15 hours 37 minutes ago
A WEED-SMOKER will inevitably miss the official stoner day ‘4/20’ due to being in a cannabis-induced haze.  

 

The real questions you should ask at the end of job interviews
Posted 3 days 16 hours 31 minutes ago
What sort of questions should you really be asking at the end of job interviews? Read our guide and find out.

 

Time deliberately speeding up and slowing down just to f**k with you
Posted 3 days 16 hours 49 minutes ago
TIME deliberately goes faster when you are enjoying something and grinds to a halt when you are in a miserable situation, it has been confirmed.

 

Don’t put evidence of doing bad things on Facebook, f**kwits told
Posted 3 days 17 hours 9 minutes ago
IT is a bad idea to put evidence of crimes, cheating the system and extramarital affairs on Facebook, morons have been advised.  

 

Brexit bill defeated by light breeze
Posted 4 days 14 hours 16 minutes ago
THE government’s Brexit bill has suffered two shock defeats due to a mild breeze and a few spots of rain.    

 

Man forgets he bought seven luxury flats
Posted 4 days 15 hours 28 minutes ago
A MAN completely forgot he had bought a large number of luxury flats, much like health secretary Jeremy Hunt, he has revealed.  

 

Parents always choose same food they have at home in restaurants
Posted 4 days 16 hours 11 minutes ago
A WOMAN is wondering why her parents bother to eat out when they always choose food that is indistinguishable from what they have at home.

 

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