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‘PROUD OF YOURSELVES?’ shouts Daily Mail editor at ducks in park
Posted 2 hours 15 minutes ago
DAILY Mail editor Paul Dacre has asked ducks in his local park if they are proud of themselves for increasing the possibility of a Marxist in number 10.

 

Top fake illnesses for winter work avoidance
Posted 3 hours 4 minutes ago
HAVE a few days off to go shopping or simply get pissed with our guide to the best fake illnesses.

 

EU comforts May by reminding her it doesn’t give a shit
Posted 3 hours 44 minutes ago
BRUSSELS officials have comforted Theresa May by reminding her they care no more about her stupid Commons defeat than they did about her idiot election.

 

Universities warn first-year students may return home as tossers
Posted 4 hours 38 minutes ago
STUDENTS returning home for Christmas may have become pretentious twats with silly clothes and provocative beliefs, universities have warned.

 

Christmas will involve dressing up as a goose, Harry warns Meghan
Posted 1 day 22 minutes ago
PRINCE HARRY has warned his fiancée that Christmas will be unusual.

 

New Star Wars features shaved Chewbacca
Posted 1 day 1 hour 17 minutes ago
NEW Star Wars film The Last Jedi promises the first sight of Chewbacca shaven completely bare. 

 

Save valuable time by throwing all Christmas cards straight in the bin
Posted 1 day 1 hour 32 minutes ago
SIMPLY throwing all Christmas cards into the bin unopened could save you up to four hours this Christmas, it has been claimed.

 

Office brainstorming session produces nothing but evil thoughts
Posted 1 day 2 hours 1 minute ago
A GATHERING of workers to generate business ideas only produced dark and twisted visions, it has emerged.

 

37-year-old woman thinks DJs are cool
Posted 1 day 3 hours 7 minutes ago
A WOMAN in her late thirties still believes DJs are cool, it has emerged.

 

How to organise a shit Christmas do
Posted 1 day 4 hours 12 minutes ago
CHRISTMAS would not be complete without a traditionally shit workplace bash, but how should you go about organising one? Read our guide.

 

The David Davis guide to being cunning like a fox
Posted 1 day 4 hours 24 minutes ago
I AM David Davis MP, world-class negotiator and hero of Brexit, and these are my infallible strategies for outwitting any opponent.

 

Gang of atheist six-year-olds plotting to sabotage school nativity play
Posted 1 day 23 hours 58 minutes ago
A GANG of six-year-old atheists is plotting to sabotage a school nativity play with a foul-mouthed attack on religion.

 

Why I hate millennials even though I raised two of them
Posted 2 days 1 hour 8 minutes ago
MY KIDS are entitled little shits who are only interested in taking selfies with cat ears superimposed on them.

 

Trump visit could actually be the thing that stops us all hating each other, agrees Britain
Posted 2 days 1 hour 56 minutes ago
BRITONS have agreed that a visit from American's evil president next year could actually be the thing that reunites their divided nation.

 

Which drugs should I buy my family this Christmas?
Posted 2 days 3 hours 7 minutes ago
WITH Christmas fast approaching, it can be hard to know which drugs to get your loved ones.

 

How tough is your generation?
Posted 2 days 3 hours 28 minutes ago
ARE you from the sturdy generation who walked 12 miles to school, or are you a snowflake who hides in your ‘safe space’ if you see Nigel Farage on TV? Find out with our test.

 

Cat wants owner to know he really tried to bury crap in garden but couldn’t because ground was frozen
Posted 2 days 4 hours 7 minutes ago
A CAT has been left humiliated after he defecated in his owner’s garden but was unable to bury it.

 

Guardian family makes gender-neutral snow-being
Posted 2 days 4 hours 30 minutes ago
A GUARDIAN-LOVING family has made a snow individual who is not constrained by gender boundaries.

 

May confirms ‘sense of optimism’ actually means ‘never-ending sea of piss’
Posted 2 days 23 hours 55 minutes ago
THERESA May has confirmed the Brexit negotiations continue to be a ‘gigantic sea of piss’.

 

Men remain awkwardly divided over man hugs
Posted 3 days 1 hour 20 minutes ago
MEN are split over where a full embrace is really an appropriate way to greet other males.

 

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