February Listings

What's on in February!
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6 Nations
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Breaking News

Woman almost leaves Hollyoaks on
Posted 3 hours 44 minutes ago
A WOMAN who almost left Hollyoaks on while in front of the television has told friends how shaken she was by the near-miss.


Loads of cheap gigs better value than one expensive one
Posted 3 hours 44 minutes ago
ANALYSTS have confirmed that going to lots of cheap gigs is much better value than going to one big expensive one.


Scientists pledge to deliver zombie apocalypse by March 29th
Posted 1 day 3 hours 28 minutes ago
SCIENTISTS have vowed to 'step up' amid harsh criticism over their complete failure to bring about a zombie apocalypse.  


The ‘Have a Wank’ guide to a good night’s sleep
Posted 1 day 3 hours 33 minutes ago
TROUBLE sleeping? We consulted doctors, psychotherapists, stress experts and your partner to find one simple solution stated in five different ways.


Cats to be main food providers post-Brexit
Posted 2 days 4 minutes ago
DOMESTIC cats are set to provide over 50 per cent of British meals in the event of a no-deal Brexit.


Man updating Tinder photo to brand new one from five years ago
Posted 2 days 1 hour 3 minutes ago
A MAN who has decided his dating profile picture is out of date is replacing it with one from five years ago rather than 10.


How to survive the dreaded ‘hangxiety’
Posted 2 days 1 hour 47 minutes ago
DID you drink so much last night you feel like you’re going to drown in a black swamp of alcohol-induced guilt and shame? Here’s how to get through it.


Me not getting what I want is a f**king emergency, says Trump
Posted 2 days 2 hours 14 minutes ago
PRESIDENT Trump has announced that any situation where he does not get what he wants immediately is a national emergency.


The white person’s guide to pretending you’re a victim of racism
Posted 2 days 2 hours 43 minutes ago
ARE you a right-wing bellend who thinks racism against white people is a genuine problem? Here’s how to enjoy a pleasing sense of victimhood.


Tall man thinks it’s an achievement
Posted 2 days 3 hours 13 minutes ago
A TALL man behaves as if his above-average height is some sort of achievement, people have noticed.


Dicking around with musical instruments ‘most annoying sound in world’
Posted 2 days 23 hours 50 minutes ago
SOMEONE tinkering with a musical instrument but not actually playing it is the most annoying sound known to humans, research has confirmed.


Man believes cheap flowers will lead to sex
Posted 3 days 47 minutes ago
A MAN wrongly believes a manky bunch of supermarket flowers will lead to a thrilling sexual experience.


Food stuffed in your face while cooking still counts, say experts
Posted 3 days 1 hour 40 minutes ago
FOOD consumed while you are cooking still counts as food, nutritionists have claimed.


Five things to do on your commute as well as having murderous fantasies
Posted 3 days 2 hours 9 minutes ago
COULD the time you spend travelling to work be used for something more productive than sitting in silent, festering rage like a serial killer? Here are some suggestions.


Man relives most terrifying experience of his life after losing phone for 35 seconds
Posted 3 days 2 hours 47 minutes ago
A MAN who could not find his mobile phone for a harrowing less than a minute has described his ordeal for the first time.


How will your Valentine’s Day turn out to be shit?
Posted 3 days 3 hours 13 minutes ago
YES, it’s that time of year when society decides you should be unrealistically loved-up. So how is Valentine’s Day not living up to expectations for you?


Optimist buying Asda Valentine’s meal deal and condoms
Posted 4 days 33 minutes ago
A MAN buying a Valentines-themed meal deal in Asda is unlikely to get to use the condoms he’s also purchasing.


Terrifying countdown to f**k-all continues
Posted 4 days 1 hour 6 minutes ago
WITH only 44 days left until an Article 50 extension is forced by parliament, the EU, Theresa May or all three, the public cannot stop watching the countdown. 


Police dog wants job that isn’t just biting people
Posted 4 days 1 hour 15 minutes ago
A POLICE dog would prefer a job that isn’t basically just attacking people, he has confirmed.


Woman with immaculately clean house has car like a shit tip
Posted 4 days 2 hours 20 minutes ago
A WOMAN who keeps her house clean and tidy has a car like a dustbin, it has emerged.