January Listings


Breaking News

Woman on payday acting like eccentric heiress
Posted 1 hour 44 minutes ago
A WOMAN who has just been paid  is acting like an eccentric heiress from the 1920s, it has emerged.


Child sent home from Steiner school for having normal haircut
Posted 2 hours 19 minutes ago
A PUPIL has been sent home from a Steiner school after turning up with a relatively normal haircut.


Henry Hoover voted Remain
Posted 3 hours 39 minutes ago
HENRY Hoover is a proud Remainer who will fight for a second vote for the people of Britain, manufacturers have confirmed. 


The scientifically illiterate person’s guide to flu
Posted 4 hours 2 minutes ago
WITH the flu season upon us it’s important to be prepared with plenty of unscientific advice. Here’s the sort of rubbish your mum comes out with.


Man who saw speck of snow buys 23 pints of milk just in case
Posted 4 hours 19 minutes ago
A MAN who saw what he believed to be a snowflake has started stockpiling food as if he lives in the Antarctic rather than Chelmsford.


Do you want everything to go back to the 1950s, or why the f**k not?
Posted 4 hours 43 minutes ago
POSH accents on the television, policemen greeting you by name and a cheery tip of the helmet, lovely days out in the Morris Traveller. But do you want Britain to return to its 1950s glory days, or are you some kind of bastard?


If anyone else acted like that I’d just call them a dick, admits mother of small child
Posted 1 day 1 hour 46 minutes ago
A WOMAN whose toddler threw his breakfast at the cat is struggling to tell him off in a constructive way.


Man thinks everyone is genuinely interested in how much water he drinks
Posted 1 day 1 hour 52 minutes ago
A MAN is convinced his newfound commitment to drinking lots of water is genuinely interesting to other people.


Second referendum to ask ‘Do you want everything to be brilliant?’
Posted 1 day 2 hours 28 minutes ago
A SECOND referendum will ask voters if they want everything to be brilliant from now on or if they are against that.


Self-employed make annual choice between tax return and faking own death
Posted 1 day 3 hours 2 minutes ago
BRITAIN’S self-employed workers are facing the annual choice of completing a tax return or concocting an elaborate scam to fake their own death.


Philip asks Queen to take the points for him
Posted 1 day 3 hours 54 minutes ago
PRINCE Philip has been trying to get his wife take the points for him, it has emerged.


The hater’s guide to London
Posted 1 day 4 hours 59 minutes ago
DO you fucking hate London for various bizarre and uninformed reasons? Here’s what those la-di-da shitponces are really like.


Have you joined a UFO death cult or have you joined the Lib Dems? Take the test…
Posted 2 days 1 hour 41 minutes ago
Who is your leader? A. An ancient, reincarnated demi-God who will lead us to Eternia where we will live in intergalactic glory forever.


Teddy bears have left children unprepared for actual bears, say experts
Posted 2 days 2 hours 9 minutes ago
CUDDLY toy bears are giving children dangerous misapprehensions about how to approach actual bears, experts believe.


Woman loses argument with her dog
Posted 2 days 2 hours 46 minutes ago
A WOMAN has lost an argument with her own dog about whether he deserved to be fed again.


May asks for same changes to same plan so same MPs can vote same way
Posted 2 days 3 hours 12 minutes ago
THERESA May has confirmed that she will take the same plan back to Brussels to ask for the same changes before the same MPs vote on it the same way. 


Middle class man hires working class man to build snowman
Posted 2 days 4 hours 17 minutes ago
A MIDDLE-CLASS man has hired a working class tradesman to build a snowman in the back garden with his beloved children.


‘I’ll do whatever the f**k I want’, says 97-year-old who can do whatever the f**k he wants
Posted 2 days 5 hours 51 minutes ago
A 97-YEAR-OLD who can do whatever he fucking feels like has confirmed his intention to do exactly that.


Man decides to just agree with everyone that Paddington 2 is some sort of masterpiece
Posted 3 days 4 hours 16 minutes ago
A MAN has decided to just go along with everyone and say that Paddington 2 is one of the greatest pieces of cinema ever made.


Woman watching BBC version of Les Mis adding songs in herself
Posted 3 days 5 hours 32 minutes ago
A WOMAN watching the desperately bleak version of Les Miserables sings the songs from the musical to make it bearable.