Back Up | Read More

Breaking News

List of people almost given the chance to turn down honours leaked
Posted 16 hours 31 minutes ago
A SECRET government list of those not quite important enough to be offered an honour they would then not accept has been published.

 

Werewolf!
Posted 17 hours 57 minutes ago
STAY off the moors, yokels have warned.

 

Evra gets 24-hour protection from cheeky Scouse wit
Posted 18 hours 26 minutes ago
PATRICE Evra has hired bodyguards to deal with loveable Liverpool rogues good-naturedly threatening to kill him.

 

Phase one complete, Dacre tells home planet
Posted 19 hours 3 minutes ago
CHIEF Daily Mail space creature Paul Dacre has mind-merged with his martian leader to report that Earth is almost ready for invasion.

 

Sally Morgan to be represented by disembodied voice of Abraham Lincoln
Posted 1 day 15 hours 1 minute ago
SALLY Morgan is to sue the Daily Mail with a legal team including Abraham Lincoln, Clarence Darrow and someone who claims to be John Mortimer.

 

BBC4 named ponciest channel at National TV Awards
Posted 1 day 15 hours 54 minutes ago
BBC4 was last night named Best Channel for Stuck-Up Ponces at the National Television Awards.

 

The days are getting longer, say cheerful dickheads
Posted 1 day 17 hours 11 minutes ago
PEOPLE who continually insist the days are getting longer are leaving a trail of psychological destruction across Britain, it has emerged.

 

Bernard Manning defrosted
Posted 1 day 17 hours 56 minutes ago
SEVENTIES comic Bernard Manning is being woken from cryogenic sleep after Ricky Gervais completed preparations for his return, it has emerged.

 

Pathological self-absorption now mandatory
Posted 1 day 18 hours 11 minutes ago
EVERYONE must place themselves at the centre of the universe immediately, it has been confirmed.

 

Women offered chance to give birth anally
Posted 2 days 16 hours 24 minutes ago
WOMEN in the UK will soon have the option to give birth anally, as part of the NHS reform bill.

 

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper
Posted 2 days 16 hours 48 minutes ago
"Will my statutory consumer rights be affected if I stab a checkout lady in the face?"

 

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob
Posted 2 days 17 hours 1 minute ago
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) Look for the bare necessities, the simple bare necessities, forget about your worries and your strife. And thank you for calling the Benefits Helpline.

 

Obama attacked for not calling Republicans a bunch of dicks
Posted 2 days 17 hours 23 minutes ago
PRESIDENT Obama was condemned last night for not describing his Republican opponents as total dicks.

 

TFL promises uninterrupted tosspottery
Posted 2 days 18 hours 27 minutes ago
TUBE travellers will be able to broadcast their ignorance even when 150 foot underground by summer, promise TFL.

 

Occupy record 'may have a rap in it'
Posted 2 days 19 hours ago
THE impending first release on the Occupy movement's record label may feature a short burst of rapping, experts have warned.

 

Gordon Ramsay's face 'cuts bowel cancer risk'
Posted 3 days 16 hours 50 minutes ago
PEOPLE who visualise Gordon Ramsay's face while they are on the toilet can reduce their risk of bowel cancer, according to new research.