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By the time he hits puberty he'll be armpit-farting the theme tune to Eastenders
Posted 13 hours 42 minutes ago
Boys are really good at some stuff that girls are rubbish at, like precision weeing.


Cornwall to celebrate new status with disgusting amount of cream
Posted 14 hours 4 minutes ago
CORNWALL will today celebrate its new minority status with an unstoppable deluge of fresh cream.


Losing weight now a career
Posted 14 hours 15 minutes ago
BEING famous for losing weight is an acceptable substitute for a modelling, acting or singing career, say minor celebrities.


BBC unveils new drama The Enunciators
Posted 14 hours 47 minutes ago
THE BBC has unveiled a new drama which promises some of the most clearly-spoken action ever seen on TV.


You should have heard some of the other poster ideas, says Farage
Posted 15 hours 4 minutes ago
UKIP leader Nigel Farage has rejected criticism of the party's latest poster campaign, assuring people they have absolutely no idea.


Essex engage notorious bounder
Posted 15 hours 27 minutes ago
ESSEX County Cricket Club have hoodwinked their rivals by engaging the services of rakish bon vivant Jesse Ryder, Esquire.


UK to introduce 'drink banks'
Posted 15 hours 50 minutes ago
CHURCH halls and community centres are to offer emergency alcohol supplies to those unable to afford it themselves.


Atheists are delusional, says Conservative Party's chief Satanist
Posted 1 day 14 hours 25 minutes ago
THE Conservative Party's Grand Satanic Ambassador has assured atheists that they are totally wrong.


Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob
Posted 1 day 14 hours 52 minutes ago
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT) Why not spice up things in the bedroom with a bit of role play? You can pretend you're somebody who still wants to have sex with him and he can pretend to be a blind person with no sense of smell.


´╗┐Photoshop expert finds proof of ghosts
Posted 1 day 14 hours 59 minutes ago
AN expert in Photoshop and other graphics software, has found conclusive proof that ghosts exist.


Southern-style chicken, kebab, pizza and curry combo wins Masterchef
Posted 1 day 15 hours 15 minutes ago
THIS year's Masterchef is the head cook at Tooting's Southern-Style Chicken, Kebab, Pizza and Curry takeaway restaurant in south London.


The Mash guide to the Man United shortlist
Posted 1 day 15 hours 28 minutes ago
DAVID Moyes has gone, but who will replace him in the toughest job in the world of the football?


England on fire as dragons take their revenge
Posted 1 day 15 hours 51 minutes ago
TOWNS and villages across England are ablaze after giant dragons chose St George's Day to avenge their murdered comrade.


Kate wins over Australia with anti-Kiwi racism
Posted 1 day 16 hours 4 minutes ago
THE Duchess of Cambridge has been taken to Australian hearts after a series of increasingly racist comments about New Zealand.


Weather ruins bank holiday traffic jams
Posted 2 days 14 hours 6 minutes ago
BRITAIN'S traditional Easter traffic jams have been blighted by heavy rain for the third successive year.


Blur-Oasis rivalry reignited over sheds
Posted 2 days 14 hours 16 minutes ago
OASIS founder Noel Gallagher has launched a scathing attack on garden sheds belonging to Damon Albarn and other members of Blur.


Women now doing lots of pointless bloke crap
Posted 2 days 14 hours 27 minutes ago
WOMEN are increasingly taking responsibility for the crap activities traditionally done by men.


Britain's 'values' based on Star Wars, Breakfast Club and The Godfather
Posted 2 days 15 hours 9 minutes ago
THE 'moral values' of most people in Britain are based on classic films from the 1970s and 80s, it has been confirmed.


Britain ravaged by annual Creme Egg riots
Posted 2 days 15 hours 49 minutes ago
BRITAIN was a blood-soaked hellhole yesterday as the nation fought to the death over Creme Eggs.


Man United sack Moyes back to the Stone Age
Posted 2 days 16 hours 6 minutes ago
DAVID Moyes is being fired so hard he will have to take on two full-time jobs just to be unemployed.